We can’t confuse the inability to be vulnerable with being strong.
Trust, forgiveness and loyalty are all commonly known pillars of relationships. However, one that is often overlooked is vulnerability…it essentially works in tangent with honesty. To be honest with others we must first be honest with ourselves; which requires vulnerability.
Growing up, I was inadvertently taught by my mother that vulnerability was a sign of weakness. I of course understood the sentiment of not letting anyone take advantage of me, however, if not managed properly it could become a barrier. I feel as black women, we are especially susceptible to this behavior for a number of reasons, but in short we can’t confuse the inability to be vulnerable with being strong.
Eventually this behavior manifests into a wall, a wall that still remains even in prominent relationships with spouses, friends and even sometimes with our parents. It’s natural not to want to be vulnerable with people you know don’t have your best interest in mind, however, balance is key. Lack of vulnerability shows up prominently in ways such as passive aggressiveness, pettiness and pridefulness. Sometimes our vulnerability is the only way we can make head-way in a misunderstanding, and in some ways it may feel like we are showing our hand in a card game, but that’s when we have to realize something greater holds our deck and that we are going to win this game regardless of who sees our hand.
Vulnerability is actually a strength because it proves that the security of who we are does not lie with the people we are being vulnerable with, but lies somewhere greater within yourself. Fear of being taken advantage of only enters when whoever or whatever the situation is will have the upper hand as a result of you showing them your “weakness” AKA your truth. No one should ever hold that much power.
What does this look like practically:
Fear to say “I love you”, because they may not love you back- Well if we’re loving selflessly it doesn’t matter if they love us back because we don’t love to be loved back, we love because we possess love. Most importantly: we are loved in other capacities and will go on to be loved even when they don’t. If we can only love someone because they love us back then we have to check our motivation for loving. That is an indicator that we may not be in the head or heart space to truly love yet.
Fear of telling someone how they made you feel- (this was ALWAYS tough for me) Our security has to lie with the fact that 1 of 2 things will happen as a result of us sharing and we have to be okay with either outcome. 1. The new information could enlighten them and motivate a change 2. It could not. But our strength has to reside in the fact that no matter what this person displays, you have to choose YOU. Sounds simple in theory, but VERY hard in practice.
LETTING GO VS. HEALING (Hint: One requires vulnerability, the other does not)
We have all been in situations where we have had to “let go”. Let go of our no-good ex because he ain’t changing, let go of our no-good father because he’s not going to stop drinking, let go of our two-faced friends because they just can’t be loyal…& etc. Just letting go tends to be passive, and requires no personal work on our own behalves, it just an “okay I surrender”. But what were their absences replaced with? Sure, individuals of greater quality may have filled their places but what did we replace the pain that previous person caused us? Because people can’t fill voids, that’s not fair to them. If we are vulnerable we are able to acknowledge the pain they caused head on and work through it independently without making people responsible for healing our past hurts.
As you have read in my previous post numbness was my MO and just because I got a break through about my father does not mean I didn’t retort to being numb in other periods of my life.
I was a pro at compartmentalizing my feelings from my interactions all to avoid vulnerability with people I essentially did not trust. In retrospect the real question isn’t why couldn’t I be vulnerable, but why did I allow them to occupy space in my life? Because all the interaction left me with was another brick to add to my wall. Which I would essentially carry into my other relationships.
True healing is tearing down that wall, and ultimately becoming the very person that I wanted to manifest in my life, which was a person with the ability to be vulnerable.
Here are a few practical tips that have helped me to exercise vulnerability safely:
1. Identify if you can trust the individual you are being vulnerable with and try work through any perceived mistrust before baring your soul to them.
2. Try sharing things incrementally. Share small things first to see how they manage what you tell them, before moving on to greater things.
3. Set the tone that what you want to tell them is important to you, so they can mentally posture themselves to receive sensitive information and not brush it off as a joke or not a big deal. (Something’s are just going to be more dire to you, than to others)
4. Express the importance of why you wanted them to know this information, so they can know what they should do with it.
Once you do it once it will be easier the next time. Hopefully these action steps will allow you to feel more empowered to be more transparent in your interactions.
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