“People can only go as far with you, as they have gone with themselves” – Unknown
Parents included…
Our upbringings and the lessons our parents taught (or didn’t teach) play an integral role in the way we operate and interact in the world. And as critical as these lessons may be, no one ever tells us how much we will need to un-learn as we get older. Granted, our parents did the best they could with what they had (or didn’t have). Yet as I’ve re-evaluated myself, I’ve been amazed at the sheer amount of un-learning that was necessary.
My self-worth for example:
Parents can’t teach us to love ourselves, they can only provide a guideline for how we should love ourselves. We have to decide that we deserve love and are worth loving. Our parents can only show us that we are loved and teach us how to function as if we were someone that did love themselves:
“Sit up straight and walk tall.”
“Be confident.”
“Take pride in your appearance.”
“Assert yourself and don’t get taken advantage of.”
“Defend yourself when someone picks on you.”
“Don’t settle for less than you deserve.”
Parents can affirm us and give us countless amounts of empowering practices to live by (these are, after all, the actions and behaviors of someone that understands their worth). However, just because we follow our parents’ advice doesn’t mean we actually love who we are; it just means we know how to pretend well. This disconnect leaves room to create a false sense of self worth. It can make us think just because we are capable and empowered to achieve, that we have a genuine understanding of who we really are and who we are meant to be. These are truths that we can only discover and decide for ourselves.
My self-confidence:
When we’re kids our confidence is based on the good grades we earn, the good decisions we make, the extracurricular activities we excel in, and even the occasional “you’re God’s child, so you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” Conversely, we are punished and ridiculed for the mistakes we make or poor grades we receive. I know that our parents want the absolute best for us, but how do we grasp the rationale behind their teachings if there is no room to learn from our own mistakes? I’ve always felt it was more constructive learning how to rebound from a mistake rather than simply dwelling on the fact that I made one.
“Often times, it was just me and God muddling through my dumb decisions, of course right after me and my tears.”
I did very little wrong (that my mother knew about), I ALWAYS had a plan for my life, because not having one would just be irresponsible. I wasn’t frivolous with my money. I went to church regularly (and was involved). I was smart and did well in school, got degrees in a respectable field. My life was safe and more importantly approving to others.
As result I became risk averse and any reckless behavior was done privately, because not having it all together is stigmatized. Often times, it was just me and God muddling through my dumb decisions, of course right after me and my tears.
Somewhere along the line I had to realize my self-confidence was based in perfectionism and not in the truth of who I was created to be. My goal was to reach a level of perfection that I could feasibly sustain; some acceptable level of “good enough”. This resulted in a positive view of myself that varied based on how little mistakes I’ve made within a given time frame, or if I felt God was “disappointed” in me, until I just got tired. If we are taught in church that God only sees us as he sees his son, after he died for our sins, but still operating as if our “good” works will yield us brownie points with God, somewhere there is a disconnect.
I had to rebuild the basis of my confidence and self-worth from scratch. I had to realize I was good enough regardless of the mistakes I’ve made and the amount of people that knew about them. That I was enough regardless of the fact that I didn’t know my next move 5 years from now. I had to truly believe I was actually worth all the things that I desired out of life despite what others were willing to settle for or felt they were deserving of. The basis of my self-worth is solely based on the fact that I am entitled to be every single thing God has designed and intended for me to be and it is already within me.
Reader Challenge: Where have problematic/misguided teachings influenced your life?
What are some things you have had to unlearn? (Comment below)
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