My Value is Invaluable

If you can’t see my worth without "proof", then you aren’t for me.

You are worthy by design, not by decision ~Brooke Castillo (The Lifecoach School podcast)

I believe majority of the things we attract or settle for in our lives are directly correlated to the way in which we value ourselves or measure our self worth. One of most valuable lessons my mom instilled in me growing up was that my self worth was invaluable. It carried me through all of the battles with myself and was the foundational principle as to why I never gave up. Knowing the truth, even if I only understood it a little, that God made me for a reason and he did not make a mistake, gives me confidence in my invaluable self-worth.

The truth is, that it is very easy to attribute the ways in which we are insecure or lacking to the value or worth we have for ourselves, which is why we often hear people say, “why am I even here if I can’t even ….?”, as it relates to someone’s purpose for living. I’ve said this before. I remember times of being so frustrated by my very own existence, because I wasn’t sure what I was put here to do.

I remember, one time, some years back, I was sitting at my desk at work and I started to have these flooding thoughts about purpose and just my overall reason for being on this planet. I got so overwhelmed that I told my manager I was sick and left in the middle of the day. I still, to this day don’t know exactly what happened, except that maybe I wasn’t in alignment with job or my life. But, what I did know was that no amount of church rhetoric of, “your purpose is to tell people about the good news of the Lord” or cliche mission trips to Africa, was going to settle that for me. I don’t like bugs or digging wells - not my ministry. I needed to understand specifically my God intended way of leading others to Christ, which I also knew had nothing to do with always being overly conscious about “falling into sin” and seeking perfection.

So much of our worth is unconsciously rooted in our achievements and accomplishments or our failures. I don’t only mean in school, career, or finances, but even in day to day living, like being a good parent, friend, spouse, or religion seeker. Anytime someone says they "pride themselves on…” is an indicator that it may likely be tied to their personal value for themselves. This is why we see some people that are high achieving are also arrogant, because they’ve tied what they do to their worth. And conversely, some low performers in certain areas have a low self opinion of themselves.

I originally wanted to write this post to address toxic relationships, because much of the trauma black women face is due to toxic relationships. I would be remiss to address toxic relationships before I addressed the problematic behaviors people bring into relationships that make them toxic. Namely an unhealthy view of themselves.

Toxic relationships wouldn’t even exist if people knew their worth. Because everyone would value their time too much to remain in unhealthy relationships. When you value yourself, you know you owe it to yourself to heal before entangling others into your pain. I believe the saying, “Hurt people, hurt people”, should have an additional caveat that says, “and hurt people stay around to allow hurt people to continue to hurt them, because they believe they deserve it.”

You are not a walking “Name Your Price” sale, you are worthy because you are you, not because of what you do.

All too often do we misconstrue our self-worth with how others value us. I will say this plainly: No one is worth being in your life that views you as anything less than invaluable. Too many of us are giving discounts to people as if we are having a “Going Out of Business” sale at Ashley Furniture. Slashing prices (standards) left and right, because we are aging, or have gained some weight, or haven’t figured out our life path and most commonly, because we are lonely and ready to start a family, and any other plethora of desires we may have. You are not a walking “Name Your Price” sale, you are worthy because you are you, not because of what you do! I repeat,”You are worthy because you are you, not because of what you do!

Honestly, the only time in life I have ever felt a circumstance could defeat me was when I thought I had to prove my worth to someone else. This often happens when we have placed someone on a pedestal that we can’t even live up to. We are flattered that they thought enough of us to be worthy to share in their existence, but we now have to “live up” to their, so called, standard, and it’s unsustainable, because it’s unrealistic. I remember believing that it was me being challenged to level up, when in fact it was the exact opposite. I had begun to deteriorate my self worth, and under value my journey and process in exchange for their vision of my path.

I had to adopt the mindset that if you can’t see my worth without proof, then you aren’t for me. My life's value doesn’t equate to the benefit you gain from it. My value is invaluable.