I learned to cope by leaning into the pain I had always ignored, and honestly acknowledged it for what it was, not rushing to getting over it and writing down what I felt.
Before therapy was relatively affordable, more socially acceptable and virtually accessible, and before it meant just having someone to talk to for coping mechanisms and not that you were just crazy, I had to “therapize” myself. There was even a time I was addicted to self help books and Iyanla Vanzant because... well we will get into that a little later. I’ve wanted to write this post for a while, but it was really hard for me to articulate my process. I am finally able to explain my process of navigating the pain of my relationship trauma without therapy with hopes that it could shed light on how to potentially cope with pain in a healthy way with or without therapy.
DISCLAIMER: These methods are NOT CLINICAL, but merely my experiences, If you have been diagnosed or may be suffering from any form of relationship trauma, please see a professional. I AM NOT a clinical psychologist or a professionally licensed counselor or therapist.
I will spare you the trauma porn, but I will be transparent about my process and why I would still advocate for therapy to others despite not receiving it for myself. So let’s dive in!
Prior to “Relationship Trauma” or Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (PTRS) becoming more widely recognized outside of a clinical space, I and so many others have suffered from what was commonly referred to as “heartbreak” (I know, so 2003). Our limited understanding of heartbreak was that it simply took time and a tough skin to eventually recover, and in some minor cases it still does, but “minor” is relative to the individual. To the contrary, from my observation (of myself and some close friends), it simply bred guarded, self-sabotaging behaviors that stifled future healthy loving relationships.
Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome is defined according to Google as afflicted individuals who have been traumatized by physical, sexual, and/or severe emotional abuse within an intimate relationship. A couple of examples are abandonment and physical or verbal abuse. My pain derived out of unresolved abandonment issues from my biological father and were further re-triggered by emotional abuses in romantic relationships. I used to build a thick skin by repressing how I felt or not assigning a feeling at all. My favorite phrase was “I don’t care” and I would pray fervently to God to remove the pain quickly. I was in and out of relationships, cleverly referring to myself as a “liberated serial dater” or an “overlapper” (one who is already dating someone else just as they are ending things with another), thinking distractions would fill the voids of unaddressed wounds, but it did nothing but snowball and compile over time. The final straw was when I was dating four guys simultaneously over a period of several months and they all moved away all at once and I broke. It was a joy-ride while it lasted, I was never bored, never alone at night, went on fun trips, hot dates, and indulged in cool conversations, it was a single girl's dream! Until one-by-one they all got new jobs and relocated, I was forced to face myself, by myself. Now this wouldn’t be the first time I would face myself, but this is when the light bulb came on.
My Kitchen Therapy Method
I coped by leaning into the pain I had always ignored, and honestly acknowledged it for what it was, not rushing to getting over it and writing down what I felt. I leaned into it by crying until I couldn’t anymore (staring at myself as I ugly cried in the mirror was something I had always done as a child, sometimes I would even start laughing at myself) and once there were no more tears I rested with the pain. I went through all of the motions of blaming God, blaming myself, and asking why without guilt or assigning judgement to my feelings. As I was leaning into and addressing the beliefs I held about myself, I didn’t rush to disprove them. I did however, let God, over time, show me otherwise. Journaling also really helped because it allowed me to release my truths, no matter how crazy, or unreasonable, with no judgement. I became more okay with just being and not having to be better, because that was only reinforcing to my brain that I wasn’t good enough. Over time, I was able to read God’s word for the truth about who he made me to be. I allowed God to reveal and distill my most unadulterated issues, which was not being enough due to abandonment by my father. Then I finally let him truly mend my heart.
Flaws in my Method
While God is a healer of all wounds, by counseling myself I was also in my own way. I stifled my healing process anytime I wasn’t connected to God to hear from him. Healing that could have taken a few years to grapple with with a therapist, had to take ten because I was coping on my own. Due to my own interferences, God was only able to impart so many “tools” in my coping tool box at a time because he would provide more tools as I grew in my willingness and consistency to do the work. If I had a professional therapist, they would come fully equipped with the coping tools I needed and God would only have to show me how to apply them effectively. Granted, that doesn’t mean having a therapist eliminates the possibility of getting in my own way, because the willingness to do the work is required in therapy as well, but it is a blind spot in my methodology worth noting. Also, God will reveal things to you a therapist can’t and he could lead you to go to a therapist for other things you may need for him to reveal to you in your sessions.
Overall, I believe I didn’t get therapy because God solely gets the glory for my healing journey and our relationship is stronger because of it. I get to share my journey with others with hopes that my insights make their journey easier. I can better serve my own children in the future when they have similar experiences instead of just telling them “well honey, men or women will hurt you so you just gotta have a tough skin”. I also encourage anyone dealing with similar experiences to seek professional help sooner than later, as to not unnecessarily prolong your healing process.
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