“I am sexy simply because I am a woman, not because I meet societal standards of beauty."
My earliest exploration of sexiness was in middle school and completely riddled with insecurity. In my head, the definition of sexy was what physically makes you sexually appealing. I was 11—and not developed at all. I remember watching an episode of Maury that dealt with the horror women faced of having small breast and they so desperately wanted a boob job, because they couldn’t get dates or were getting rejected by men that wanted them to have bigger breasts, or were having sex with the lights off so he couldn’t see their small breasts. Let’s just say, it was all manner of things PROBLEMATIC!
I ran in the bathroom staring at my tiny prepubescent tits, thinking, this could really be my fate. Of course I, like many girls my age, experimented with all non-surgical breast enhancing practices, from wearing two bras to praying profusely for them to grow. But in my mind, breast were my golden ticket to sexiness.
Funny enough, my interest in elevated fashion is what helped me to be more comfortable with my body image. While it seemed most girls my age couldn’t fit into a size 2, I could barely keep a size 0 above my waist line. I had switched my gaze from desiring the curves of the latest video "hoochie" to high fashion looks on waif like super models. I didn’t need breast anymore. I could wear a deep plunging neck line with no bra, or the latest mini skirt without being scoffed at for showing too much skin. I felt a new since of freedom to play with various silhouettes without feeling the need to proffer my breast or behind to feel attractive. While I was grasping with feeling more comfortable in my own skin, I was also simultaneously trying to hide the fact that I was curious about sex.
“The talk” went something like “don’t bring no baby home” and if you are having sex we need to take you to the doctor. Nothing about what could expect to experience emotionally or mentally. There was already an expectation to be chaste, so to have “desire” makes you loose or fast. As a woman you were expected to be chased and hard to get. So I hid, from my parents and myself. While I was sexually active, I never took the time to define what was sexy to me, but more so participated in what was validated as sexy. I remember in college, being encouraged to wear more heels because my legs were too nice not to. So, in a matter of months my shoe closet was 90% heels. I also preferred fuller or oversized clothes, but my shape was too cute and petite to hide…so out goes the frump and in comes the body cons. While it did provide a confidence boost for the time, it was still never, “this is what Breanna finds sexy, so she’s going to wear it.” But more so, men appeal to this more so I’ll wear this instead.
Fortunately, my best friend, Dr. Natalia Fuller is a sex therapist so I sought her professional insights for a more in-depth perspective of this topic. Here is our discussion:
As a sex therapist how would you define sexy?
We see stereotypical “sexiness” all around within media, movies, social media, music videos etc. Sex sells. What I like to teach my patients is that sexiness, like sex is ephemeral, it’s temporary and short lasting. So the concept, for me, has nothing to do with the outer appearance but the inner appearance because attractiveness varies from person to person. I know you hear that a lot, but sexiness is really about your confidence, vibe, virtue, and originality. When you enter a room, your presence shows up first, so when I’m counseling patients I tell them to look within to define what they believe is sexy.
Where do you believe the imbalance of the way we view sexiness and the way society defines it derived?
I feel like it’s hard to pinpoint, but if you think of movies as far back as the early 1900’s, women were all about modesty. Fully covered from head to toe, but their men would still sneak off to the burlesque shows to get their fix on what they believed to be sexy. In modern days, music videos regularly depict women that are scantily clad and shakin that ass, and one could feel that, that’s what it takes to keep a man’s attention. Historically, Geisha’s were considered sexy by the way they danced and carried conversation, and they were fully clothed. So a lot the perception of sexiness is based culturally and how or where they were raised.
Brea L. Perry: I do agree that it is based on how you grew up, because being someone that was raised in a traditionally Christian modest household but also functioning in every day black culture, I often found myself wondering where I fit. In one instance you’re raised to exercise traditional Christian values but on the other hand I see all the guys, that I was interested in at least, going after the girls with all the curves and tight clothes. I barely had anything to show anyway, but overall it was hard to identify where I fit as far as sexiness was concerned. To further expound, it’s coupled with a limited understanding of what sex as a whole because you barely get “the talk”. So while your trying grasp sex, you are also simultaneously trying to define who you are.
Dr. Fuller: And I get that, I’m sure most millennials share a similar experience, but what I had to ask myself was, were men still approaching me even though they chased after women who were more stereotypically sexy, yes. Because having your clothes off never equated to respect. And that’s not to say it’s fair to judge someone by the clothes they wear. But what a man finds sexy for a time doesn’t necessarily translate to who they intend to start a relationship with. Which is why sexiness should always come down to what you believe is sexy.
In your opinion do you believe lingerie is objectifying?
No. And when I entered this field I had no idea that for so many women (wearing lingerie) was such a big deal, by thinking it’s objectifying and they feel exposed. Almost as if they were walking down the street in broad daylight with a bikini and heels. They would almost feel more comfortable being completely naked because it doesn’t require them to have to accentuate confidently every curve that’s on display. I encourage my clients that they should first feel comfortable with themselves in lingerie before trying to wear it to please your mate. Because just having on the lingerie alone doesn’t translate sexiness. You simply being a confident woman does. So use it to your advantage.
I pose this because often times lingerie is used a means to “spice up sex” and to keep your man entertained or attracted, but what spice is he bringing to keep you entertained? I feel like sometimes it could make a woman feel guilty about pleasing her mate if she’s not continuously pulling new tricks out of the bag.
As a sex therapist, what do you see as the biggest misconception your patients have about sex?
The number one thing is that sex is merely physical. I tell people all time the reason you're not having good sex is not because of what you lack physically, but sex is more mentally motivated than physical. I believe a lot of times people put up a mental block when they are not confident with their bodies and don’t feel sexy. Your mind, body and soul have to be aligned during sex. I wish we could teach young people that and even millennials because if your mental isn’t right, you're honestly not going to have good sex.
So you mentioned sex education to youth and adults, because as you know many of us received a horrible version of “the talk” or none at all and just had to figure it out ourselves. What would you say is the best way to talk about sex that consists of all of the variables we have just discussed?
Start as young as possible (of course while exercising some judgment as to how young is too young), but in California they have recently passed a law that recognizes pedophilia as a mental illness verses a crime, which in my opinion normalizes pedophilia. So now they go into a mental institution for two years after raping a child instead of serving time in jail. So it’s important to first introduce an understanding of their bodily functions at the age of 4, so that they know the difference between a good touch and bad touch and expand on their understanding as they get older. There’s no need to go into great detail at that age, but my little brother found about sex at age 8. So teaching them before someone else can is important. As for teenagers, by ages 13 or 14, sex hormones are already raging. They are already exploring masturbation and probably watching porn, so as a parent I would suggest asking them what they already know about sex and what have they seen. It’s uncomfortable to have these conversations, but try to make them feel comfortable by letting them express to you what they’ve already learned and then you explain what you know to be true about it. Also, let them know that they are not emotionally equipped to have sex even though what they are feeling is completely normal. But ultimately level with them, and make them aware that’s it’s not just physical, but mental and emotional. Provide them with the tools and facts about unwanted pregnancies, STD’s and potential heartbreak. Also talking to both male and female parental figures or trusted role models will offer both perspectives about sex.
A slight pivot, as you mentioned sexiness comes from within, so, where would someone who is redefining sexiness for themselves practically begin?
Retrain your brain to understand it’s not just about giving but also about receiving. I believe we first learn what it is to be sexy by finding what it is we believe to be sexy. So I would suggest taking a break and being celibate for a while, explore your own body and have sex with yourself. If you have a mate, let them know you will need a break from sex to take some time and explore what you find to be sexy. If you don’t there will be tension and anxiety because you’re performing based on what you think they like instead of how you prefer sex to be for you.
You have started Mind. Body. Sex. which are sex seminars and demonstrations, tell us more about that.
It can be found on Instagram @mind.body.sex. It was started because I wanted help and encourage women to explore their bodies and educate them. I have a masters in sex therapy and a medical degree in psychiatry. I wanted to unify the two because sex is largely mental, and when you are functioning optimally mentally you will ultimately have better sex!
Comments