10 Toxic Mindsets I Eliminated in Exchange for Happiness

"In order to truly appreciate someone else’s appearance without coveting it, you must first fully appreciate your own.”

I am going to address the 10 unhealthy mindsets that I have denounced over the years and what I have replaced them with to enable more peace and clarity and overall happiness in my life.

1. I wasn’t enough. There was some iteration of “me” that I was working to become. Not realizing all that who I needed to be was already within. And the self-work that I was doing was developing those things that were dormant. God designed me as a finished work, so I was born whole. life may have broken some things along the way but God restores all things.

2. I was ugly. I have always felt that I looked weird no matter how many people told me otherwise. Too skinny, problematic skin, nose too big, body shape too boxy, toes too long, smile lines too deep, you name it. I always found myself comparing myself to others, and in my eyes someone else’s appearance was always better than mine, no matter the case. I didn’t even have to always to think they were actually pretty, some how whatever it was, was still just better than what I looked like.

Growing up adoring the way you looked was considered vanity, but it’s totally normal and encouraged to compliment others appearance, how backwards is that? I remember riding in the car one day from church with my mom and I was looking at myself in the rear view mirror and I said aloud, “I’m so pretty”, and she says, “that’s a vain thing to say”. So I never said it again. because I never wanted to be vain, I thought I was just making a self-observation.

It took me years not to feel weird in my own skin, but what allowed me to denounce the thinking was removing crutches that allowed me to hide and reading passages that affirmed who I was in Christ, as his perfect creation. I had to realize my wholeness translates to my looks as well. I had to stop relying on hinderances such as loads of make-up, hair extensions, even glasses and did more things that contributed to my internal and external wellness, like increasing my water intake, working out (and telling myself I’m beautiful while working out), managing my natural hair, regular skincare routines, and taking vitamins and supplements. All of these things have allowed me to feel the best I’ve ever felt about myself in my whole life.

“They say in order to love others you must love yourself first, well I also believe that in order to truly appreciate someone else’s appearance without coveting it, you must first fully appreciate your own.”

3. Self-doubt. I always feared that I would some how end up like my dad. A failure, to be blunt. You know how you can see certain behaviors in yourself that you know one of your parents possessed. However, if that parent isn’t the best, then we automatically frame any of their attributes as bad. Well, I often did this, and every time I would exemplify any behavior that he had I would grow more and more nervous that I would end up like him.

I had to learn that his characteristics within themselves were not bad, but how he chose to use them were. And that I have the opportunity to not use them in the way that he did, or even in the way my mother would like me to use them, but simply the way that I choose to. That is also a danger in speaking negatively about an estranged parent to your child, because if they are anything like that parent they could be internalizing what you are saying. I consider it in this way, if he did one thing right, it was creating me.

4. I needed to prove that I was worthy of true love. Women are groomed from childhood into these Proverbs 31 wives, but for me it communicated that if I was anything less than that, that I don’t deserve a God fearing, faithful and loving husband. If we weren’t submissive, cooking & cleaning regularly, ready for sex all the time, dressed modestly, and willing to pop out a couple kids when he’s ready for them, I wouldn’t attract a “good” man.

One of my hang ups was cooking. I hated cooking growing up. My mom cooked regularly while my dad sat on the couch. So I almost felt that if I didn’t cook regularly I wouldn’t be able to “keep a man satisfied” as they say. I also began to have a growing resentment towards having kids because I didn’t want to be anyone’s cow (but that’s another story for another day) and I despised when husbands only acknowledged their wives as the mother of his kids, absent of everything else she is to him. So I prayed for a husband that enjoyed cooking and would make it fun versus a "wifely duty", as well as someone open-minded about how we decided to have kids, if we decided to have them at all. Because personally I could eat out every single day and I hadn’t made up my mind about kids yet. Low and behold, that’s exactly what I received! But FIRST, I had to learn that I was worthy of true love, because I possess true love in my heart that I am willing to give away freely. And I am worthy not because I am the perfect little wife but because I am just worthy.

5. My life was predestined. Therefore no way of changing its outcome. I used to believe that just because God was foreknowing, also meant he had predetermined my life outcomes. Which can be be pretty daunting because you begin to either think we’re all just marionette puppets acting out his play or wonder why he doesn’t stop certain terrible things from happening since he wrote the script, or why he even created us at all.

I remember being so overwhelmed with this idea, that I couldn’t even enjoy my own creature comforts. Like, why would I be thankful for having food when there are starving kids in third world countries. I begged him for the answer, and he responded the next morning on my way to work. And it was this simple, he said “I created you because I love you. The same motivation for parents to want to have children and I am not going to provide what has already been provided to everyone” in other words there is enough food for everyone in the world. There is no shortage, but if the world chooses not feed those who are hungry that’s on us. He’s not going to rain manna from heaven when there is already bread on the table.

The same goes for every aspect of our lives. God gave us all we need for successful lives, as well as free will because he loves us. We can choose for him to direct our paths, but he is not going to make the path and walk it for us, we have the choice to redirect at anytime. Understanding this also relieved me of the anxiety of feeling as though I am making the “wrong” decision or going in the wrong direction. I just make a decision based on what I know to be aligned, take the next best step and allow God redirect me as needed. This allows me to walk fully in my God given power and strength.

6. My flaws would hinder my blessings. I used to believe I could actually “block my blessings” as if my relationship with Christ was transactional. If I do this much “good”, I get that much blessing. I remember writing my flaws down in my teen Bible and finding the corresponding scripture to recite daily to eventually fix them. As if God’s word is a magic potion to wave over my issues. Or I would take literally, the verse that light and dark can’t reside in the same place, thinking it meant that God can’t live within you if you aren’t behaving like light, which never made sense because I know for a fact he has been the one to get me out of some dark places.

One day, while driving (per usual),it hit me that if he only blesses based on what you do right that would make him just as petty as people are. Which is not the case at all. His measure of blessing is solely based on how he views you, which is no less than his own son, once we have accepted him as our lord and savior. He is also even more gracious to bless those who have not accepted him with the hopes of some day gaining their acceptance.

I am always blessed simply by way of being his child. The only way I can block my blessings is by not accepting the ones he has placed before me.

7. Behaving defeated when things didn’t go as planned. If you’re anything like me, you’ve known where you would be in life by age 40 since the age of 11. I have always been a super planner, still am to a degree. I would plan my next breaths if I had to. As a result, I often had these mini melt downs when things didn’t go the way I expected. If I didn’t land the job that was “perfect for me”, or the car I’ve always wanted, or the Gucci glasses I wanted in 10th grade, that my mom didn’t give me enough Birthday money for (yea don’t judge me….I had a melt down) but the point it is….I had to learn to decipher between God’s plan for my life and my plan. And that getting upset about not getting what you wanted is a clear indicator of not trusting in God’s plan for your life. This all changed when I didn’t get selected for what I thought was a dream job. I remember sitting at my desk at work and saying to myself, “You know what God, I am going to do this one (disappointment) differently. I am not going to trip because I know you have a plan. Ever since that moment, other things in my life began to align around that understanding.

“I realize that God moves quickly when your mindset shifts and you comprehend the principle he is allowing your trial to teach you.”

I stumbled across a podcast by Patrice Washington called “You can’t be selective with your surrender”. Which confirmed the peace I had that all things are working for my good, so there is no need for me to stress. To provide context: I was under a work contract that was ending in a week, so I needed to either get hired full-time or find a new company. Long story short, after getting my head together about this whole process, my last day in that contract was a Friday and I got offered a full time position with the company that same day. God is good!

8. Taking it personal. I have a tendency to internalize things very easily. Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty good about letting a lot of things roll off by back, but depending on what was said or done that didn’t sit well, or was what I considered malicious, I will internalize and process it as an intentional attack. I had to realize that most people are primarily self interested, and many times people are doing what benefits them first even if it’s at your sake. Sort of like when you show up to a drive through and the representative has an attitude, you may internalize that their attitude is about you, because it’s your order that they’re taking, but in actuality their distress preceded you, because you just got there. I had to adopt the mindset of: Their behavior says more about them than it does about me, while also providing the benefit of the doubt that there is a deeper issue outside of them, that has yet to be revealed.

This was an important lesson for me to learn because it stopped me from having to always back track, and scrutinize my every word or step to figure out what I did wrong. I am a master at replaying a scenario over and over in my head like surveillance footage.

9. That I had to have it all figured out. As you know I’ve always had a plan, and plans for the plans. However, the mere thought of not having one freaked me out. One, because of the negativity that surrounds not having one. I would always hear older people say things like “they just don’t know what they’re going to do, or they’re just all over the place” and I never wanted that label. Two, because I am pretty risk averse, and the thought of not knowing the potential outcome of a decision gives me anxiety. So keeping a plan in my back pocket was my safety net from the stigma and the unexpected.

You begin to realize, that as life really starts to take shape and especially when God takes over, that plan starts to become elusive. The plan changes over and over as God reveals more and more. More importantly, allowing him to take the wheel more and more overtime, starts to create a sense of comfort, and that fear of not knowing becomes a peace. So your plan becomes figuring out the what and letting God reveal the how.

10. That I needed to create defense mechanisms to protect my heart. You may know by now that vulnerability is just not my strong suit. I was a master of escapism just to avoid feeling. I had to learn to be okay with the knowing every relationship is a risk. No human is full proof, but I had to shift the trust and expectations I had in man to God. I had to trust that he was going to give me the insights I needed about certain individuals, when to draw near, or when to fall back. I would take guarding my heart to mean harden it, when in fact it just means be selective with who has access to it.