It's an age-old tale: Good girl meets bad guy. Good girl falls madly in love with bad guy. Bad guy breaks good girl's heart. Good girl leaves bad guy. Good girl finds good guy and they live somewhat happily ever after, while she still longs for all the things she liked about the bad guy. The end.
There is a reason they say good guys finish last, and it's not because they can't find an equally good girl. It's because women need more than a good man to make them happy. We need dynamic individuals that complement our very beings. Being "good" is merely a given, a default. Society will have you feeling like because you desire the spontaneity, ambition, and even charm of the bad guy, that it means you don't appreciate a good guy, and that is incorrect! Of course there are those that are attracted to toxic behavior, but I don't believe that is most women. I believe women were attracted and fell in love with the above traits that happened to be accompanied by toxic behavior and then it just becomes a cycle of repeating your mistakes.
Women are, all too often, guilted into settling for someone just because they are a good person. We feel as though we should like them, even though we really don't. The good guy seems like a safe bet, but unfortunately, as it relates to relationship sustainability, being "good" or "nice" just isn't good enough. Being a good person is not a relationship qualification, but a personal standard everyone should adhere to, whether single or in a relationship. We have been conditioned to set the bar so low for ourselves and are so emotionally bankrupt that merely being "good" has become a qualifier instead of a baseline expectation. Or, we have endured so much bad behavior (relationship trauma) that being good is no longer an expectation, but a bonus.
I have witnessed too many instances where women have felt guilty for not liking a guy because he was good, but he didn't meet any of the other qualifications she longed for. Leaving her wondering whether or not she was "blocking her blessings" or if her standards were too high, all because she didn't want to settle for this "good" guy.
Sis,
You don't find him remotely attractive, but you feel obliged to go on another date because he has a good job.
You don't like how anti-social he is with you and your friends, but he agreed to go to church with you the last time you two were together, so you should at least meet his mother.
You can't stand his lack of decision-making ability, but he always listens to your problems, so you should at least have sex with him the next time you two are together.
Attraction is a two way street you have to be into them just as they are into you, we can't fake-fall for people just because they are good to us and we can't keep making concessions for people solely based on a lack of toxic behavior (i.e. they don't cheat or verbally/physically abuse you).
God isn't going to bring you someone before giving you peace about who He is bringing. In other words, if you have some hard no's about certain characteristics, He isn't going to just bring them to you packaged as a nice-guy and say, "Hey settle for this, he's nice, don't block your blessings!". God loves you and wants to give you the desires of your heart; your desires reflect His nature. Therefore, He will reshape the desires of your heart (if you allow Him) and give you peace about new desires before He brings someone for you to consider. And even after, you still have the choice (because free will) to decide if this is who you want to be with.
An abundant mindset says: "I will wait for the right person, because I know they are out there."
A mindset of lack says: "I need to just accept this guy and be grateful, because I don't know if or when another good one will ever come my way."
Unfortunately, we tend to surrender our partner choices to God only after we've chosen so many bad guys. But what happens when there are so many good guys to select from that it becomes difficult to choose? The same surrender is required. We still have to say, "Lord all of these guys have great qualities, but which one have You designed for me?" We have to get to a point where we say, "Yes this person is nice, but do I actually like them?"
Here are some practical ways to navigate not settling for just the Nice/Good guy
1. Take a tip from what you liked in the bad guys and look for it in a good guy. (they weren't all bad, you liked them for a reason)
2. Make sure the right guy also possesses the nice qualities you liked in the good guy.
3. Once you realize that he is just nice, but just not right, gently let them down keeping their feelings in tact. Just because he wasn't right for you doesn't mean he isn't perfect for someone else. There is no reason to hurt someone's pride just because they aren't right for you. How you treat them says more about your relationship readiness than it does about theirs.
4. Be swift about your let down. Nice guys tend to be ready to be all in (which can be endearing) because they don't have any relationship hang ups or baggage, like their bad guy counterparts. However, their enthusiasm to "be all in" coupled with your waffling to let them go, can create an interaction where you are inadvertently leading them on.
It is tempting to take a dating pause with a good guy. You get to rest and recover in the arms of someone who isn't going to take you through the ringer. But good guys are people too, and they need the same respect in return. They deserve to know that they won't be getting ran over by someone who really seeks more from someone than just their kindness and good heart.
Your mother introduced me to your blog. I can't thank her enough. I am blessed by your thoughtful expressions and points of view. It is so beautiful watching God work in and through others. You are a very wise and gifted person endowed with uncommon wisdom. Many will be blessed because of what God has given you. Continue to follow where He leads and we'll all be blessed who hear you.