“You can’t help who you love, but you can help how you think. If you think differently, it will also reset who you are attracted to and why you’re attracted to them.”
I believe the common saying “you are what you attract” is a facile statement that lacks clarity. We are comprised of a multitude of characteristics and behaviors, and in the event that you have attracted a trash human certainly does not mean that you are inevitably trash too.
The converse is also true: just because you have attracted an awesome individual does not automatically assume that you are awesome. What it does mean, however, is that you have attracted how you think.
For example: You may not be a cheater, but if you have a belief that all men cheat, or no one is always faithful, or that it’s impossible for a man to be completely faithful and any variation of the belief that includes your mate not possessing the character qualities needed to be faithful, then it is highly likely that you will attract someone who also thinks that way. Either they will believe the same thing about women and never trust you, or they believe this to be true about themselves and in turn live out their predisposition.
A mindset can manifest itself in a myriad of ways, which is why I personally detest the blanket statement “You are what you attract”. Your mindset is ever evolving as you grow and learn, but you are always who you are. Therefore, there is always hope for you to attract someone different and better aligned with where you are in life and your thinking, and still be your same amazing self.
“There is always hope for you to attract someone different and better aligned with where you are in life, your thinking, and still be your same amazing self .”
I remember believing that you don’t have control over who you love, but with that thinking also leaves you more inclined to stay in problematic and unhealthy relationships all because “you love them and can’t understand why”. I used to refer to this as someone having “the X factor”. It is when someone you love just possesses an untouchable quality that you can’t quite put your finger on, and it leads you to believe that this is someone you were always meant to be with, or to go so far as saying “the one”. In reality your heart aligns because your minds have first aligned. This person and all that they arrive with somehow aligns with a personal belief that you hold, which then manifested into an attraction. Thus allowing you to excuse ALLL of the other things you don’t align with, because they possess a few of the other primary qualities that you believe to hold more weight.
My earliest encounter with this was during a period of my life that spanned from the beginning of my senior year in high school to a year after my last year in college. So roughly a 6-year time frame. A lot of dating happened between this time, as one could imagine. I was single, sexy and sweet, making my own money and looking for the right party…(Mya circa 2000)
But anyway…..my first love, and for the sake of anonymity we’re going call him James. James and I started dating in my senior year of high school and we were in “love love”. He was the first person I ever referred to as having the “ex-factor”, thus being the first person I have ever had to let go, despite believing beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was the one.
James and I met at church, which I at the time believed is where one should meet a respectable man. This in turn, also immediately yielded an immediate trust in him, which I would have otherwise vetted further, if I didn’t automatically view him as a man of God. So, because I had placed a man of God on a pedestal by way of his salvation, it also allowed me to overlook the chief differences between our personalities. Such as, his extreme insecurities, bouts of depression and extreme introversion because in my mind, with God we can conquer all. In which he can but sometimes God’s resolution to our problems is the not quite the response we were expecting. So, on our first date there was immediate trust and chemistry. He had all of the characteristics of the type man I had prayed for. A small caveat: I had just recently left a relationship that left me feeling broken, and filled with self doubt so I was seeking someone that I could just trust with my heart.
James and I just clicked immediately, from the first date onward. We were on the same page spiritually, emotionally, and mentally (so I thought). We loved to do the same things, and shared in each other’s hobbies for the most part.
The fortress began to crumble when my desire to hang out with my friends clashed with his introverted desire for me to stay at home. We were only able to see each other twice a week, Saturday and Sunday at church and sometimes for Sunday dinners. So Friday’s were usually the days I hung out with my friends (I am now a freshman in college by this time).
As a college freshman, going out was necessary for my well- being just as much as being laid up with him on Saturday’s. One particular Friday night I had gone out “frolicking” with my best-friends. We had had a whole girls and one of my friends went home. My other friend continued to walk down the downtown streets to our car until we ran into some other guys we went to school with and would occasionally run into at parties. The events of that night were posted on Facebook without my knowing, which literally depicted us just goofing around and I woke up to a number of texts, one of which, I distinctly remember saying, “I thought you were going out with your friends, I didn't know you were going on a date”. This instance didn't break up our relationship, but it was the beginning of the end. Mostly because I didn’t do well with not being trusted. I was less concerned about the optics because literally nothing happened. Long story short, ever since that time his insecurities began to show more and more frequently. We started to be really off and on with our relationship and because I loved him, I allowed this merry-go-around to continue. It wasn’t until a mindset I had held trumped all of the other mindsets that were in his favor for foreverness. I vividly remember this day because it was the day that I knew he would never be my husband. We were sitting outside on the patio because I was showing him how to paint and the subject of future plans came about. I was sharing with him that my plan was to move away after receiving my associates to pursue fashion school and to hopefully land an internship in New York. Side note: I had always planned to leave my home town, even if it wasn’t for fashion school but just in general I never saw myself building a life there.
He then utters the words that would change the entire trajectory of our relationship, “I never want to leave here, this is home for me”. I looked at him said, “interesting”, while also saying in my head, “welp, it’s been nice knowing ya”. I had never known this about him, and maybe never thought about it because I assumed he would at some point leave. Especially from what I knew about his ambitions. While, this had nothing to do with the love I had for him, it did however, change the longevity we had together. In other words, he held the ex-factor until he didn’t. He possessed all of the qualities I desired in a mate until there were greater, more prominent desires that he didn’t meet. Our minds did not align here and my mind was unwavering in my stance to relocate.
I would go on to have many more of these dating encounters through out my life that would reinforce my understanding of this. Going forward I was only attracted to men who didn’t want to stay in my city. And just like that when my mind shifted, my “type” also shifted.
I was the same person, but I began to attract a different type of man because I thought differently. I had reshaped my thinking several times before meeting my husband. Hence, why he is nothing like anyone I have ever dated. This notion can be applied to anyone in your life, friends, colleagues and even family. Although, you can’t choose your family and sometimes your colleagues, you can decide how much space in your life that they occupy.
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