“Dating is healthy, but not at the expense of your peace.”
Growing up, my mom would encourage me to date multiple people. She said it was helpful when identifying what I would and wouldn’t like in a mate, before permanently selecting one for marriage.
She would say, “they don’t all have to be your boyfriend, but just getting to know people will help narrow down your preferences”, and to an extent it did. Her advice made practical sense if relationships with the opposite sex were in a vacuum, however, they were not. When feelings are involved, things are inevitably more complicated. I found myself heeding her advice and leaving a lot of casualties in the wake, one of them being my heart and sometimes even my peace.
Dating had a tendency to warp me, because I felt like I had to continuously deny the very person I was, just to not get taken advantage of by the men I was getting to know.
For example, I am direct, and I like to call a thing, a thing. So, if I inquire about the terms of our dating situation, I expect a transparent and honest response. After not receiving one, and after so many attempts, I stop asking and they are now auto-enrolled into my terms (which in most cases will not work in their favor).
In dating, I have been said to be cut throat, cold-hearted, unsympathetic, and “like a man.” Which at some point, I have in fact been all of those things to defend myself. But I shouldn’t have had to feel like I was preparing to wage war just to meet a decent man. There is a high level of personal vigilance one must exercise when dating, but I believe it can be uniquely curated for your personality. You should’nt have to lose aspects of yourself when dating. When I encourage my future teens to date, I want to provide them with a few more insights that would allow them to make wiser decisions about their prospects than I did. And could possibly reduce or eliminate them from experiencing some of the toxic behaviors I’ve faced while dating.
Here are 10 tips I would give my future teens about dating:
1. Dating is healthy, but not at the expense of your peace. Enduring the rough patches and ebbs and flows in a relationship is a normal part of getting to know someone, until it starts to impact your well-being or self-view. Relationships are like mirrors, if you don’t like who you see, then it may be time to take some You time. And if you only see that reflection with that particular person, then it may be time for a new mirror.
2. Set your own terms for dating. Don’t operate under anyone else’s terms, if you don’t agree with them (no matter how much you like them). If you are seeking a serious commitment and they are not, move on. If you are seeking friendship and they are seeking a commitment, move on. If they just want casual sex, and you want something more involved, move on. This is a clear indicator that you two are not the same page. Heed to it. It’s okay if your paths aren’t aligned at the time. Forcing yourself into an ideal that you don’t desire, and vice versa will never work. It will only build resentment and you will never be completely happy.
3. Acknowledge your feelings, they are valid. If your prospects can’t handle your emotions with care or use them responsibly, then that’s a red flag that they don’t deserve other aspects of you either. You are not a smorgasbord, where people get to pick and choose what aspects of you they want to accept. Take all of you, or leave you alone.
4. You are not dating to prove yourself. You are already whole, worthy, and enough. Just because you are not enough for that particular individual, has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with them. Side note: And just because you weren’t right for the last few individuals, doesn’t mean you aren’t right for anybody. You are right for the right person!
5. Pace yourself. Pace yourself despite your feelings. It’s normal to be excited in the beginning (it’s just hormones), but people inevitably show themselves in small ways over time (When people show you who they are believe them -Maya Angelou). Pacing also allows you to pay attention to the small things you would normally overlook in the midst of infatuation.
6. HEED THE RED FLAGS. People do not become “a type of way” over night. There are always steps that lead to an outcome. Red flags are like the cookie crumbs that lead to an unpredictable outcome. Your intuition is a God given guide to see those crumbs. Ask for discernment about the person you are dating regularly, so that it becomes clearer.
7. Always be willing to let go of what no longer serves you. Outlasting a season can be detrimental, and the relationship can become toxic to your well-being. Not everyone in our lives are meant to last a lifetime. Know when to let go.
8. As cliche as it sounds, love is a waiting game. Hastening the process won’t help you. The feelings of, “I don’t know when the next prospect will come, so I have to take what I can get” or thinking, “this is the best I can get” are all enticements for you settle. Denounce those thoughts and truly believe what’s for you is for you, in the right season.
9. Another cliche’ but VERY important tip: Truly work on you before trying to incorporate someone else into your life. Erykah Badu’s, Bag Lady is STILL relevant to this day. Relationships have a way of eliciting your deepest insecurities, hang ups, and drawbacks. So take a once over (twice over, three times over) at those things before intertwining another person. It’s normal to have blind spots, but that is why time in between dating is imperative. Learn from what your previous relationship just taught you about you (even if they were in the wrong). Serial monogamy really just becomes an indicator of running away from yourself. Respect yourself enough to give yourself time to heal & grow.
10. Relationships should help you grow and add value. It’s imperative to evaluate what value a relationship will bring to your life at the time you are desiring one. Whether you are seeking companionship or a life partner, truly understand why. Sometimes, the things we are looking for can only be found in ourselves. So we have to really have a clear understanding of what value expectations we have for a relationship before pursuing one. They should always add to what you already have, not subtract. Relationships should be enriching not depleting.
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